The diary (11 th August,2013)

Seem like everyday I had been living in dilemma.

I forgot how many days or months I didn't smile indeed.

A lot of times I just act in concert with other communicators.

I don't even know what is Friendship, Love or Feeling.

I tried to show to some of my friend about my real heart,

But, what I actually get is betrayed, ridiculed, or disregarded.

And most of them, is been tried to cheer me up, or given supportive comments,

Because they have their own life, and own difficulties.

I understood.

I tried to make new friends, I tried to make myself look good,

I tried harder to get myself into works, assignments, or sleeping to reduce the tension.

I had been no in study mood before a week final examination,

That's not me, I will tried my best to get myself in study when Final,

Even thought, it might hard.

But why, it still there, the depression.

I met a lot of good people in life,

My lecturers and tutors gave me lot of support,

My friends be with my sides when I am lonely,

But just, I can't open my heart to all of them, 

I felt guilty.

My internet best friends have been blocked me by do not gave any respond.

I knew I'm wrong.

My new friends had scared about the unknown enthusiasm of me,

I knew I'm wrong.

I have been act like a childish and emotional to my friends,

I knew I'm wrong.

I do not have self-control for certain things and being so selfish.

I knew I'm wrong.

I do not show the responsibility in take over all the mess that I made,

I knew I'm wrong.

I am a nosy person for some acquaintances and thought they are my good friends,

I knew I'm wrong.

I been missing someone that should not be missed by me,

I knew I'm wrong.

I have poor leadership, I cannot make sure all my group members is happy,

and all I can do over and over night to produce a best assignment to you. 

I been rational in class and make cool jokes around friends.

After all those troubles had been made, 

I tried to make myself comfortable like do something bad to myself,

I cried everyday for any reasons that I can think.

I made myself emotional.

That's were something wrong,

That's not me, 

I hate it, I hate myself

I whispered in my heart.

What I need now,Where is the positive side of myself ?

A hug, An eye contact, A healthy body ,A real deep smile and A rest.

Any friend, heard my voice ?

Let bygones be bygones,

I need renovated my heart, the way of communication, my personality and the WHOLE ME...

by NOW.

After wrote out, it make me a little bit comfortable.

Thanks for everyone be my side from the first day knowing me,

I appreciated it.

Wishes in the futures,

You all will still there, 

Waiting me.

I cannot warranty I can change myself, but I've keep trying.

Stay tuned.