这一年，2014年。

对于2014年，已经没有如往年那般烈火雄心的激情，

也没写下今年想完成什么伟大的梦想之类的话。

青春是很很宝贵的东西，

想要做的，就应该去做。

放纵自己的同时，也应该了解道德的界限。

21岁，

什么该做，什么不该做，都应该学会自己决定了。

谁是谁非，真的还那么重要吗？

这一年，

我应该会在另一个空间开部落格，

或者停笔了。

什么事情，什么回忆。

就自己慢慢消化...

直到失忆。

慢一点

曾经有很多朋友对我说：“慢一些...”
我总是爱反驳说：“再慢就给人抢走了咯。”

也有人说：“请你相信缘分好吗？”
我更爱反驳说：“为什么不去追逐自己的幸福，而是在等幸福的来临呢？”

渐渐的，经过了一次又一次失败，
我不得不相信缘分这个东西。

在爱情里，
我喜欢当主导，
也许就是自私，
喜欢照着自己的方式去恋爱，
想着对方是能和我一次到处旅行的。
所以，我特别钟意有着独立和成熟思考的人。

其实我一直在思考，做自己是不是算是自私？
在做自己和自私的边缘游走，
深怕一个不小心就走偏了。让对方觉得我是个自私的人。
于是，曾何几时，我把我情感遥控器给了其他人。
过度的考虑其他人的想法。
做每一件事情的时候，都回想：“对方怎么想我？”
但是到了夜深人静时，感觉我已经不是我自己了。
我好像活在别人的眼里，
我好似抛弃了我自己。
做自己的时候，拿捏不好，
耳背总是传来的闲言闲语，
说：“他怎么这么自私啊？”，“他没在乎别人的感受”
这些的自相矛盾，让我一时觉得自己迷失了方向。

早一阵子去热浪岛沉淀了自己，
终于慢慢的接受了以前的自己，
曾经在年少轻狂做过些什么，犯过什么错，都接纳了。
也看到了当下的自己。
到底是个怎样的人。

梦想和现实这种老掉牙的故事，
听得太多了。
也不再悔恨。

现在一心只想着，
爱情，一切随缘。
友谊，继续兼顾。
亲情，孝顺父母。
自己，做好自己。

该慢的就慢，不该慢的就快。
欲速而不达....慢工出细活。

Sorry...

This Friday my final examination is officially start.
So, normally I went to Library as usual because as a professional "Eleventh Hours" student.

Monday,
During study, I went out the Library to fill my empty bottle and I met one of my friend.
So, the conversation is opened.

"Hey, tonight have meteor rain, do you join them go suburbs watch meteor?" he asked.

I shook my head lightly.

" That person din't call, huh ?" He asked.

" I asked, but rejected. Actually I realized we never even closer."

"Why said so ? " He asked again.

" Actually we just had texting in Whatapps and just made one call conversation before." I whispered.

"Bro, you too rush already. But, call conversation is one of the milestone in any relationship."

"Isn't it ? But I just think the timing is wrong, anyway. I'm not ready yet."

“ Who is?? " He said.

"Maybe I just too rush. But, at least I put myself out there."

" Make it slowly. Relationship actually like a book. Got introduction, climax, and have ending. Need to ascending, have a nice introduction will make the book interested. So, first impression is very important.....( blablabla)"

" Hmm, I've make it slowly. Thank you." The bottles is fulled filled.

"Okay, jiayou"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the same night, the person I admired and I just had a quite big quarrel. The meteor shower we cannot met each other again. I just keep quite and hearing and get the points the person scold me although too many criticism of that person think about me  .But after heard the points, I just realized how rude that I been. After that, I just smile and said "Thank You for letting me know" and keep on apologize. The fire of the quarrel just keep on burning and eventually I just make myself slut-up and non-defensive .

I sit in front of my laptop, and the tears just come out droplet and droplet without any feeling.
Yes, I did again. I piss the person that I admired off again. I knew we cannot be in relationship anymore. The bad attitude of mine, Impulsive made a biggest mistake again.

But actually , I din't felt very sad on the first time I rejected. I make my mind so clear and I'll keep myself to improve in anyway. I know I'm not handsome, no money, no have too many supporters. So, I cannot depend too much on those stuff. I need to self-treatment myself. Although I so self-defended in real life but when come to relationship, I just a stupid pig.

I had to make responsibility in what I did to anyone that I hurt before. Maybe you do not want forgive me, but here, I need to apologize to you all again.

To, anyone that I might annoyed, harassed, hurt, worried before.
"I'm sorry and dad, mom, I love you"

Awww, there have a meteor ....

Let make a wish first.

p/s: After this, I gonna become a happy, reborn boy. Welcome all my friends, nice to meet you again. Wishes all of us will be happiness in anytime.

Oppss, what an emo guy....

Sorry for my poor English ...

The diary (11 th August,2013)

Seem like everyday I had been living in dilemma.

I forgot how many days or months I didn't smile indeed.

A lot of times I just act in concert with other communicators.

I don't even know what is Friendship, Love or Feeling.

I tried to show to some of my friend about my real heart,

But, what I actually get is betrayed, ridiculed, or disregarded.

And most of them, is been tried to cheer me up, or given supportive comments,

Because they have their own life, and own difficulties.

I understood.

I tried to make new friends, I tried to make myself look good,

I tried harder to get myself into works, assignments, or sleeping to reduce the tension.

I had been no in study mood before a week final examination,

That's not me, I will tried my best to get myself in study when Final,

Even thought, it might hard.

But why, it still there, the depression.

I met a lot of good people in life,

My lecturers and tutors gave me lot of support,

My friends be with my sides when I am lonely,

But just, I can't open my heart to all of them, 

I felt guilty.

My internet best friends have been blocked me by do not gave any respond.

I knew I'm wrong.

My new friends had scared about the unknown enthusiasm of me,

I knew I'm wrong.

I have been act like a childish and emotional to my friends,

I knew I'm wrong.

I do not have self-control for certain things and being so selfish.

I knew I'm wrong.

I do not show the responsibility in take over all the mess that I made,

I knew I'm wrong.

I am a nosy person for some acquaintances and thought they are my good friends,

I knew I'm wrong.

I been missing someone that should not be missed by me,

I knew I'm wrong.

I have poor leadership, I cannot make sure all my group members is happy,

and all I can do over and over night to produce a best assignment to you. 

I been rational in class and make cool jokes around friends.

After all those troubles had been made, 

I tried to make myself comfortable like do something bad to myself,

I cried everyday for any reasons that I can think.

I made myself emotional.

That's were something wrong,

That's not me, 

I hate it, I hate myself

I whispered in my heart.

What I need now,Where is the positive side of myself ?

A hug, An eye contact, A healthy body ,A real deep smile and A rest.

Any friend, heard my voice ?

Let bygones be bygones,

I need renovated my heart, the way of communication, my personality and the WHOLE ME...

by NOW.

After wrote out, it make me a little bit comfortable.

Thanks for everyone be my side from the first day knowing me,

I appreciated it.

Wishes in the futures,

You all will still there, 

Waiting me.

I cannot warranty I can change myself, but I've keep trying.

Stay tuned. 

生活

最近

我的生活蛮杂乱的。

原本做人的圆滑和精干，

原来的“多做事，少说话”的格言，

也暮然消失不见了。

外表上，

我总是很冷漠，

其实我并非真正的冷漠，

而是在内心里面，

有一种说不出的骄傲，

在我内心不停酝酿。

生活太忙，太乱了。

把一切都弄的一团糟。

乱到我忘了自己的分寸，

自己的行为，自己的言语，

一切都不在自己的意识当中。

到后来，伤害了别人。

换成了一句又一句的“对不起”

但是对方还会原谅吗？

未知数。

到了最后，

才发现没人会明了我内心的世界，

因为自己的伤，

也只剩自己最了解。

也只有自己，

才能慢慢的，一点一滴的疗伤。

心想，

很多人都一样。

不停的在努力的过日子。

受伤，遇到困难时，

总是默默的走出来的，

不是吗？

在这都市里，

也许就是这样一去不复返了，

尤其曾经的天真烂漫。

虽然，在开拓这新的世界时，

有时候热血澎湃，

觉得有新鲜感。

但到头来，

单纯的以为，

只要一味对别人好，

就能获得最大的幸福。

期待有那么一天，

我能够解脱。

解脱那条绑着自己那条线。

明天的彩虹，

我等你...

傻瓜

今天，和梓伦和信业逛了KL Festival,
和他们告别后，我独自的走路回家。

路上，遇到了那个人。
彼此对看了三秒中，我慌了。
该打招呼与否，该视而不见。

然而，那个人选择了低头插肩而过，
而我则只能给个淡淡的微笑的看着那个人，然后往前走。
那人走了，我站在原地三秒，闭着眼睛掉了一滴泪。

之后
很从容的走到家里,
宿舍没人，我把书包放下，
整个人瘫在书包上。
久久不能释怀,
泪水不断得涌出。

永远不会忘记那一天，
自己是如何自甘堕落，
曾经以为可以很勇敢，
仅存的那么一丝丝的骄傲，
都给你一一的抛掉了。

我一直以为再见面的我们，
可以很坦然，可以不伤感，
但是为什么心却是如此的痛，如此的伤。

我想，我真的没有那么勇敢。
只不过是防范着世界，伪装着很勇敢，
不让别人看穿我内心的不勇敢。
一而再，再而三的不断逞强，
把情绪默默的隐藏，

我真的傻瓜...

心

这世界，太复杂，混淆我想说的话，我不懂太复杂的玩法。